I'll find my own happiness.

I think I'm going to get train phobia very soon. Went back home by train yesterday and today. Clash with the peak hour on both day. Yesterday, just managed to squeeze in the train with xianwen, like tuna and I can't even look down and see my shoes. In this situation, I'm really lucky to have this height. If not, I don't even think I can breathe. And don't know what's wrong with the train today, just a stop distance of around 5 mins, it got delayed and it took at least 15-20 mins to reach the next station. It just stop there and keep announce that there's something wrong and they apologize for the delay. LOL. Plus the train keep jerking and swaying from left to right. Very scary! This is my first time got stucked in a train. Luckily I have xianwen with me, if not ... I can't imagine. ): I think I'm going to have Claustrophobia very soon. I'll panic inside me and I had to keep talking to stop myself from freaking myself out when I know I'm stuck in the train today. I think I started to have the fear of small space symptoms since I'm stucked in a jam for more than 2 hours. From then I've begun to fear of massive jam and sitting in the bus for long. I will felt as if I'm suffocating and I need to find something to distract me. I didn't know it was minor Claustrophobia until today. I thought I just hate to be in the jam, but now I know I cannot be in the jam. OMFG! Sounds so serious but I think I'm really suffering from this phobia. But is quite minor I think.

From Wikipedia: "Claustrophobia is typically thought to have two key symptoms: fear of restriction and fear of suffocation. A typical claustrophobic will fear restriction in at least one, if not several, of the following areas: small rooms, locked rooms, cars, tunnels, cellars, elevators, subway trains, caves, airplanes and crowded areas. Additionally, the fear of restriction can cause some claustrophobics to fear trivial matters such as sitting in a barber’s chair or waiting in line at a grocery store simply out of a fear of confinement to a single space.However, claustrophobics are not necessarily afraid of these areas themselves, but, rather, they fear what could happen to them should they become confined to an area. Often, when confined to an area, claustrophobics begin to fear suffocation, believing that there may be a lack of air in the area to which they are confined. Many claustrophobics remove clothing during attacks, believing it will relieve the symptoms. Any combination of the above symptoms can lead to severe panic attacks. However, most claustrophobics do everything in their power to avoid these situations. "

Maybe you may think I'm not that serious but I just realised I always ask someone 'how long will it takes to travel there?', 'will jam now ma?' when we're going somewhere by cab or bus. Did you realised? That's because I want to know how long I will need to stay in a small space. Shit! Sounds so serious suddenly. I think I'm afraid of sitting in the grand hall for long too. I just realised I didn't really want to give up my IBM and Econs during Prelims but I really don't feel like sitting in the hall for long. Even going for toilet will makes me feel better. At least I don't feel trapped. I need distractions to stop me from thinking that I'm in a enclosed area. Now I'm worried for my finals more. Hope I won't get freaked out and go out before I finished my paper. Shit shit shit!! Now I know why I always want to go to the toilet during jams or when I'm in the train. Because I need to escape the suffocating feeling. How am I going to travel to expo? *sigh. Gonna go with xianwen no matter what.

PS: This is a secret. Don't spread thanks.