Tight rope walking.

This is my first time walking on a tight rope. 

It's been really shaky nowadays while I tried my best to continue walking straight. I don't know where the end of the rope will bring me to and I can't see clearly with all the smoke surrounding me, blocking my view and blurring my vision. I have nothing to hold on to and I can barely balance myself from the first day I decided to walk on this rope. I know I'm all by myself and am doing something I'm not good at. I'm making myself more vulnerable each day by taking into others' comments seriously. I'm lost and I'm thinking whether I should just relax, close my eyes and let myself fall ... fall into the safety net that will keep me safe from the falling impact. And then I'll get to start all over again. 

The wind have been blowing really strong these days, trying to blow me down or to make me stronger, I don't know. Some days I will stop and think why did I choose to walk on such path that I'm not even sure I'll be seeing breath-taking scenery or another tight rope at the end of this rope. But I can't turn back now, there's only 2 choices, either stop moving and be prepared to fall by myself or continue walking and get blow off balance and can only scream while I fall. But maybe, maybe I will be able to survive walking till the end of the rope? I don't know how high the chances will be but that would means I'll have to brave through the smoke, wind while taking a small step each time with my stiffed and tired body and also accumulating stress at the same time. Can I do it? I wonder.

I keep hearing people telling me that I should choose a safer rope to walk on. A slightly shorter rope or of a shorter height. This rope is just too high up above and too long, not everyone can take it. What's more I'm too blur, careless and clumsy. Every little mistakes I made seem so significant that makes me panic about losing balance. I looked around me at others who are at such a high place with me and they seem to be walking with ease. Am I the only one not adapting even after so long? Or am I just not suitable to do this. Am I  the only one suffering from the fear of making mistakes every passing day? Every step I take I'll doubt myself if I did the correct thing, or did I miss out something? I guess there's too much to take note and take care of and it's getting harder for me.

Maybe I'm just scared of admitting I've made the wrong decision. Or maybe I wanted to prove my own ability, if I have any. Maybe I'm just lost and gonna stay lost up here till my vision cleared and I can step away from here walking towards somewhere I know that will worth all the hard work I've put in. 

I don't know how long I can stay up here but one thing for sure is that I've definitely learnt something. Or maybe a handful of them. I think I won't regret choosing this path because I get to take a good look at myself. 

I don't know what I want but if I were to leave this rope by myself, I'll know this is what I don't want, at least for now.

PS: Maybe I'm not grown up and prepared enough to be facing this.